I Do Not Deserve This

I spent T-Day chilling at home, and then met a friend for a meal out the early evening. It was standard T-Day fare: turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, etc. of which I ate too much. Our 'server' was in drag as Pocahontas. I can't make this shit up. Since it was a buffet meal, all Poca had to do was bring us rounds of iced tea. So she got steadily drunker herself in the back. All in all not a bad day; yes, I'd rather spend the holidays with drunk drag queens than with biological family members.

On Friday I did do some shopping, for myself, and most of the spending was with local establishments. Books from Politics & Prose and Second Story, and a skater t-shirt from Palace 5ive. If you haven't visited Palace 5ive and it's sister establishment Federal, I highly recommend it. The clothes, shoes and gear are sweet, and the staff are friendly and helpful.

Saturday I went to a mall to see the menagerie, and realized once I got there I needed nothing from a mall. Anything I need to get now, I'd do well to buy online. I think I'm going to miss the trips to shopping malls more for the long commutes giving me plenty of reading time, than for any experiences at the malls themselves.

Periodically I checked my online dating site. I had one message, from a guy wanting "friendship". I responded saying if that was what he was interested in, I was fine with that, but not in anything "more". He never responded, LOL.

I've come to realize that my frustration with the dating web site, and with dating in general comes from the feeling I deserve to have a fun, smart and sexy boyfriend. Of course I do not deserve this. If I get it, it will be a gratuitous blessing from the universe and the other person involved. As I've written before, no one deserves love, especially romantic/sexual love — to say such is to imply that some other person out there is obligated to put out for you. Love is a gift; one does not deserve gifts. They are gratuitous blessings. A 'gift' that is deserved isn't a gift, it's a payment.

But knowing this intellectually, and feeling it in one's bones are two different things. Sometimes the loneliness overwhelms my good sense, and I turn into the whiny man I exhibited recently, railing against The Way Things Are for the 'injustice' of not having a fun, smart and sexy boyfriend. Life is inherently unfair. My job is to suck it up.

Great Weekend; One Disappointment

This weekend I struck a perfect balance between time alone and time socializing. It was the most enjoyable weekend I’d had in months.

Friday evening I did my errands, going to Wheaton to pick up a few things, including a ‘motivational’ pair of jeans, and I scratch box for Manuel. I came home and watched tv, then went to bed.

Saturday I got up and watched my Saturday morning cartoons, then headed down to brunch at the Diner in Adams-Morgan. I wandered around Dupont Circle, and eventually ended up at Zenobia Lounge in Georgetown, with turkish coffee, a hookah and my journal. It was inspirational.

Sunday morning I met a friend for brunch. We went to Medium Rare in Cleveland Park. The food was extremely good. The atmosphere was a bit fancy for me (I had to leave my plain black hoodie on, because I was wearing a graphic t-shirt and would’ve stood out like a sore thumb in the sweater and tweed crowd – fashionista-gay I am not), but the company was enjoyable. We walked around town, and had coffee at Illy. I bought too many books.

Monday looked gloomy, so I planned to stay in and finish reading Alexis de Tocqueville’s Democracy in America. A friend texted me wanting to know if I wanted to get the lacrosse stick and toss some balls. I did. We had a great time, and I learned a few things. Best of all, I got my stick broken in, and we played the Creator’s game on Indigenous People’s Day.

I returned home, finished Tocqueville, and watched my Monday television shows. The only down note was this: I’ve been reading Vincent Bugliosi’s new book on agnosticism. I’ve been looking for a clear and eloquent defense of agnosticism, and his book promised to take down the arguments of both theists and atheists alike. I had gotten a few chapters into it, and so far, so good. Yes, his style was a little quirky, and at times I had wished he’d gone a little further, or considered some points he did not consider. Then before bed last night I read his chapter on Darwin and evolution, and I was appalled. It was weak beyond excuse, and his argument basically boiled down to: “I’m not a scientist, but I don’t understand evolution, and since I find the evidence inconclusive, I cannot say that evolution is indeed a fact.” Well, Mr. Bugliosi, I’m not a scientist either, but I understand evolution, and geology, well enough to see how evolution must indeed be a fact. I was heartbroken: my hoped-for manifesto was so flawed, I cannot even make myself continue to read it at this point.

It Was a Good Weekend

I fought off a cold all weekend, but I enjoyed the time nonetheless. Saturday morning I got up and watched my cartoons, then bussed down to Dupont Circle. I went to Second Story books to pick up a copy of Husserl I'd seen there a few days earlier. It had occurred to me that I've never seen any Husserl on bookstore shelves before, despite the fact he taught both Heidegger and Sartre. From there I hit a few stores then Metroed out to the burbs, picking up a lacrosse stick pocket stretcher at PJ's Sports, and bussing to Tysons Corner Mall.

The mall was bustling. Even one of the shopkeepers mentioned how packed the place was. I guess people are still doing their fall/back-to-school shopping. I didn't pick up much at the mall, but I did get a meal at Elevation Burger.

Sunday was even more enjoyable. I met an old friend for brunch — we tried a place down in Clarendon, where we both had ridiculously delicious french toast. We did the Clarendon shopping thing (I picked up a volume of Heidegger), and had great coffee at Java Shack, which is now officially one of my favorite coffee shops in the area. We also caught up on about 6 months or so of life news. I'm glad we did.

So while Sunday night was my usual downer, it wasn't as nearly a devastating downer as the recent Sunday nights have been, and I'm starting my week on a relatively good note (although I'm still fighting off that cold). I think I would do well to try and spend some time with friends on Sunday afternoons. I think that makes me feel better over all.