Making Good Changes

I haven't posted on my blog in a while. That's because not much has changed for me until recently. I have read a lot of books in the past few months, and digested the better ones. But otherwise my life has coasted along the same: work, cat-maintenance, reading, little social life, no romantic adventures.

But I have made another major shift: due to worries about my health (my father has atrial fibrillation, which is heritable) I decided to quite caffeine entirely. That means no coffee, no tea, no chocolate, no sodas and no yerba mate. I tapered down rapidly last week, and went cold turkey over the weekend. I've had some headaches and short bouts of sleepiness, but it hasn't been as bad as I expected (I've quit caffeine before, and it's been grueling). I think the recent shift in my work schedule that allows me more sleep at night was a factor in making it a little easier this time.

So, in addition to no alcohol, I now do not take caffeine. Nor do I smoke cigarettes or do drugs. I supposed I could call myself "straight edge", but to me the label is tainted by associations with all those militant asshole sXe groups who used to go around beating up punks for smoking pot and drinking. I don't drink, smoke or whatever, but I don't plan to be an asshole about it —everyone has to be responsible for his/her own life and health. Instead of thinking of myself as "straight edge" I prefer to think of myself as "sweet edge". That has a nice ring to it. And contrary to what my friends will tell you, I'm well capable of being sweet.

Now that I've tackled the caffeine withdrawal, it's time to rethink the rest of my health. I get enough sleep now, thankfully. But I need to exercise more diligence with regard to my output. I am in the process of rethinking my diet, and I want to increase my activity levels.

As for food, I need to consider carefully what foods are good for me, and what aren't. I haven't come down to any strict food routines, but I do think I need to cut down/out all processed foods, sugars and starches. I need to cook my own meals. I want to try living off of vegetables, fruits, a few grains, and lean, organic, low-cruelty meat and fish. I'm even open to, but have not yet decided to, becoming a full vegetarian.

As for exercise, I don't know yet. Join a gym? Do yoga? Jog? One problem at a time. That's how I'll begin to manifest the healthy, fit man inside who aches to be seen.

Losing Weight, Gaining Gracefulness

Today on the lifehacker site there is an article titled How I Lost 100 Pounds by James Golick. The article is very on point, and stresses some of the same dietary basics that paleo does, namely: avoid starches, sugars and processed foods, and stick mostly to meats, seafood, fruit and vegetables. He tried various diets, including forms of vegetarianism, but this method has worked the best for him.

I especially appreciated this paragraph from the article:

Losing weight requires an enormous amount of motivation. You're going to have to change your lifestyle and make real sacrifices. It's going to be hard. Motivation will help you continue to justify the changes you've made, and prevent you from slipping back in to old habits.

I’m examining motivations in my life as well. So far, again, the strongest motivation for me is to be different, to be unlike the average denizen of the United States, with his daily bucket of fried chicken and Cinnabon visits. Not that I can never have those things; but such indulgences should be very rare, and therefore all the more enjoyable. I want to visibly appear different from these people. Not just in physique, but in carriage.

I work near Union Station, and sometimes go there during the day. I can generally tell red staters from locals, and both from Europeans. Red staters plod and waddle; locals stride briskly; Europeans glide. The Euro-glide is something to see. I guess it helps not to have grown up in a culture originated by Christian Puritans.

Of course, the question then becomes: as I begin to appear different from the average estadosunidense, as I begin to look thinner and to carry myself with greater grace, whom do I want to see me? Where do I go to show the world who I am? Because isn’t that too part of the motivation?

Unstarched

After sticking diligently to the paleo diet for one day, I already feel better. I woke up not feeling quite so ‘poisoned’. I’d noticed a few days back, while still eating whatever I wanted, that I felt awful in the mornings, regardless of whether I’d had any alcohol the day before. I realized it was the starches that were making me feel bad. And again, after trying the paleo for just one day, I feel better. How did I ever let myself forget that?

Starches are like drugs: I feel better right after eating them, but I feel much worse in the long run. After I get back into the paleo groove for a while, of course I’ll allow myself an ‘off’ meal from time to time (otherwise, I’d have difficulty ever eating away from home); but I hope I never fall off the wagon so completely again.

As I mentioned yesterday, the issue really revolves around motivation. I want to feel better, and be able to be more active. But the ideas of ‘feeling better’ and ‘being more active’ lack the deep emotional resonance and power that will keep me on the paleo path. ‘Feeling good’ sounds great on paper, but the actual quality of feeling good is subtle, not some constant, overwhelming mood of ecstasy. Therefore while feeling good is definitely one of the best reasons for sticking to this diet, it lacks the emotional ‘oomph’ to keep me at it day in and day out.

What would provide that ‘oomph’? Feeling sexy would be great, if I could somehow manifest that feeling of sexiness without actually having to deal with sex itself.* If I could feel sexy within myself without having to pursue outward expressions to bolster that feeling, I’d be fine with that.

Another motivation, one that may sound a little heartless, is enjoying not being like the average US citizen. When Mr. and Mrs. Redstate Fatass go waddling through the tourist areas of DC, I tell myself I really, really do not want to be like them. I really, really want to stand out from them, and be physically and spiritually different from them. I know this carries the odor of superiority and elitism, but I find it also has a lot of emotional resonance with me. So long as I don’t follow those thoughts down the path to heartlessness, perhaps I will be okay.

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*This will require a long explanation, which I’ll postpone for later.

I Need Better Motivation

I opened a new calendar today. I used to get “August-to-August” calendars all the time, but stopped a few years back. Recently I decided to start using them again. They recall to me the school year, and its implied sense of a time period in which to get things done. I make plans for what to do during the colder months (although I don’t often follow through with them), and I try to end up better in the spring and summer.

Last fall I started losing weight, and I did very well for a while there. I lost a lot of weight. But the weight has been creeping back up, largely due to the fact I haven’t been sticking to the diet. There were several factors for this, but the main one simply is this: I lost my motivation. I had several motives for losing weight, but the strongest (albeit largely unacknowledged) motivation was that losing weight would help me look good so I could attract a mate.

When that didn’t pan out the way I had wanted, I lost the motivation to keep on track. I had not realized how much of my drive to lose weight had been motivated by the desire to find a partner. Not knowing my real motivation—and more importantly, not knowing the inherent insubstantiality of the real motivation—led me to go off track, and to start putting weight back on.

So I need to have real motivation to lose weight. Something that comes from within me, is not dependent on others for the expression of results, and carries an emotional component (in order to involve my whole self in it, and not just my intellect).

Fortunately, I’ve caught myself before I put all the weight back on, and I’m still significantly smaller than I was a year ago.