"Mike check! 1-2-1-2-1-2!" [UPDATED]*

Twelve-twelve-twelve is as good a time as any to write a wrap-up of the "year that was". This year I chose to stop drinking. Without a doubt, that is the smartest thing I've done all year. That choice may have cramped my social life, but I have to say it wasn't much of a social life if it required alcohol to keep it lubricated.

Other than that milestone, for most of 2012 I just coasted along. Still there are some highlights:

I went to see the Chesapeake Bayhawks - twice! This was my lacrosse year, and I enjoyed it. I got to see two Bayhawks games in Annapolis. (The Bayhawks went on to win the 2012 Steinfeld Cup, the Major League Lacrosse league championship.) Also, I finally got out and tossed some lacrosse balls with a friend, and went to see Crooked Arrows in the theater (cheesy, but sweet).

In April I downloaded Stereo Typical by Rizzle Kicks, and for the next four weeks that was all I listened to. It's an amazing album! I know hip-hop is not everyone's thing, but this album has a lot to give. "Mama Do the Hump" is a fun little knees-up, "Traveller's Chant" is beautifully meditative, and "When I Was a Youngster" is an antidote for the blues.

I bought Pierce the Veil's Collide with the Sky this past fall. I don't exaggerate when I say this album helped me get through the fall. The music is fun, and expresses everything from rage to sadness to hope. I felt some of my life in the lyrics, and to this day I still tear up listening to some of the songs. I obtained a lot of music in 2012, but these two albums by far outshine the rest.

I've read 39 books so far this year. The best of these, IMHO, were:

1.Damien Echols, Life After Death: this is the memoir of one of the falsely accused and imprisoned "West Memphis Three". The memoir is fascinating and inspiring.

2. Augusten Burroughs, This is How: An "anti-self-help self-help book", Burroughs engagingly presents down-to-earth advice on negotiating life's trials, dealing with such issues as sadness, addiction, love and suicidal thinking.

3. John Fox, The Ball: Discovering the Object of the Game: A fun, fascinating and moving book about sports.

4. Ayad Akhtar, American Dervish: A surprisingly subtle novel about growing up Pakistani Muslim in the US. It's a beautiful, touching book.

5. Nick Harkaway, The Gone-Away World: A literary sci-fi novel involving ninjas, world war, and fallout from the ultimate weapon of mass destruction. The prose is fun, and the story is engaging.

6. Thomas Vennum, American Indian Lacrosse: Little Brother of War: Vennum has created a fascinating exploration of the origins and meaning of what became lacrosse. He peppers the book with imaginative re-creations of events in history. An excellent companion volume to Fisher.

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*I forgot to mention Collide with the Sky. I cannot write about 2012 without mentioning Collide with the Sky.

Great Weekend; One Disappointment

This weekend I struck a perfect balance between time alone and time socializing. It was the most enjoyable weekend I’d had in months.

Friday evening I did my errands, going to Wheaton to pick up a few things, including a ‘motivational’ pair of jeans, and I scratch box for Manuel. I came home and watched tv, then went to bed.

Saturday I got up and watched my Saturday morning cartoons, then headed down to brunch at the Diner in Adams-Morgan. I wandered around Dupont Circle, and eventually ended up at Zenobia Lounge in Georgetown, with turkish coffee, a hookah and my journal. It was inspirational.

Sunday morning I met a friend for brunch. We went to Medium Rare in Cleveland Park. The food was extremely good. The atmosphere was a bit fancy for me (I had to leave my plain black hoodie on, because I was wearing a graphic t-shirt and would’ve stood out like a sore thumb in the sweater and tweed crowd – fashionista-gay I am not), but the company was enjoyable. We walked around town, and had coffee at Illy. I bought too many books.

Monday looked gloomy, so I planned to stay in and finish reading Alexis de Tocqueville’s Democracy in America. A friend texted me wanting to know if I wanted to get the lacrosse stick and toss some balls. I did. We had a great time, and I learned a few things. Best of all, I got my stick broken in, and we played the Creator’s game on Indigenous People’s Day.

I returned home, finished Tocqueville, and watched my Monday television shows. The only down note was this: I’ve been reading Vincent Bugliosi’s new book on agnosticism. I’ve been looking for a clear and eloquent defense of agnosticism, and his book promised to take down the arguments of both theists and atheists alike. I had gotten a few chapters into it, and so far, so good. Yes, his style was a little quirky, and at times I had wished he’d gone a little further, or considered some points he did not consider. Then before bed last night I read his chapter on Darwin and evolution, and I was appalled. It was weak beyond excuse, and his argument basically boiled down to: “I’m not a scientist, but I don’t understand evolution, and since I find the evidence inconclusive, I cannot say that evolution is indeed a fact.” Well, Mr. Bugliosi, I’m not a scientist either, but I understand evolution, and geology, well enough to see how evolution must indeed be a fact. I was heartbroken: my hoped-for manifesto was so flawed, I cannot even make myself continue to read it at this point.

It Was a Good Weekend

I fought off a cold all weekend, but I enjoyed the time nonetheless. Saturday morning I got up and watched my cartoons, then bussed down to Dupont Circle. I went to Second Story books to pick up a copy of Husserl I'd seen there a few days earlier. It had occurred to me that I've never seen any Husserl on bookstore shelves before, despite the fact he taught both Heidegger and Sartre. From there I hit a few stores then Metroed out to the burbs, picking up a lacrosse stick pocket stretcher at PJ's Sports, and bussing to Tysons Corner Mall.

The mall was bustling. Even one of the shopkeepers mentioned how packed the place was. I guess people are still doing their fall/back-to-school shopping. I didn't pick up much at the mall, but I did get a meal at Elevation Burger.

Sunday was even more enjoyable. I met an old friend for brunch — we tried a place down in Clarendon, where we both had ridiculously delicious french toast. We did the Clarendon shopping thing (I picked up a volume of Heidegger), and had great coffee at Java Shack, which is now officially one of my favorite coffee shops in the area. We also caught up on about 6 months or so of life news. I'm glad we did.

So while Sunday night was my usual downer, it wasn't as nearly a devastating downer as the recent Sunday nights have been, and I'm starting my week on a relatively good note (although I'm still fighting off that cold). I think I would do well to try and spend some time with friends on Sunday afternoons. I think that makes me feel better over all.

My Weekend Would Probably Bore You

I bought too many books this weekend, but I enjoyed myself just fine.

I decided since Metro would be difficult to deal with this weekend, I'd start my errands on Friday evening. I metroed out to the burbs and picked up an hard-to-find copy of Derek Parfit's Reasons and Persons. I also got a few more craft supplies from AC Moore. Other than that, Friday evening was chill.

Saturday morning I woke up early. The weather report warned of a massive storm system coming our way, due to hit in the afternoon, so I got an early start on my errands. I bussed up to Bethesda, but got there so early, stores weren't open yet, so I had breakfast at the Tastee Diner, which I had not been to in years. It hasn't changed a bit.

In Bethesda I picked up a stringing kit for a lacrosse stick head, and some athletic drawers and five-toed socks from City Sports. Then I metroed down to Dupont Circle. At two used bookstores I got a slender volume of Descartes, a slightly heftier volume if Kierkegaard, and a huge paperback Bible (KJV with Apocrypha).

I started on my way home, but got off the bus when we encountered a downed tree across Columbia Road (the storm was still hours away; maybe a stiff breeze knocked it down). I walked the rest of the way home, trying a different route for kicks.

The storm finally hit, and it was something to watch. Manuel hid in the closet and napped. I checked on a neighbor's cat, and she too was napping in the closet. No problems, except for Manu's jealousy.

Saturday night was so boring, and I was so tired, I went to bed at 2100 hours. I slept until 0800 hours Sunday morning. I guess I needed the rest. I cleaned my bathroom, and myself, and met friends for brunch at Pho 14. Then I wandered down 14th Street. At Palace 5, one of my favorite boutique shops, I got a t-shirt. I looked around U Street, 14th Street and Dupont Circle, and only picked up a few things (including yet another book at Kramerbooks). I walked home from there, and then went to supper at The Heights.

I'm relearning how to do weekends. Since I'm avoiding alcohol these days, I'm also avoiding the places I associate with drinking, restaurants as well as bars. This means rethinking where to eat when I choose to eat out. I need to try some new places. I may need to make a mental list.

Also, I have too many books. One of my projects for the fall is to cull out some of the books I no longer need/do not want/cannot really use after all, and trade them in/give them away. I wish I had two of me for that project, since getting rid of books is something I have to talk myself into.

Finally, I picked up another cute hoodie yesterday, so I have two new hoodies to debut this fall when the weather cools down just a bit more. I'm looking forward to it.

Brief Notes

1. I've been researching meaning-making, and while what I've learned has been interesting, it's also left me a little bummed. Frankl, for instance, says meaning is found through love, work or courage. I doubt that I'm capable of love, I've never been able to find a meaningful career, and the last time I had real courage was 20 years ago when I came out. I don't know whether there are any other sources of meaning-making. I'll keep looking, but I'm not optimistic. For the time being I'm just faking my way through this shit.

2. I want to get through this Frankl book as quickly as I can (I have a second book by him, but I'll hold it for later); I've got a mental list of books I'd like to read next. Two that I've already started are proving to be quite good. The Ball by John Fox is about why people play sports, and has chapters on basketball, soccer, lacrosse, and even the old Mayan ball games. It's actually very inspirational. The Worldly Philosophers by Robert Heilbroner is a classic survey of economics which I read over 25 years ago and desperately needed to re-read. I'm particularly interested in the chapter on Adam Smith, since I've come to believe today's "conservatives"* don't really understand him. After that I plan to read Smith himself; also Vennum's book on lacrosse.

3. Speaking of lacrosse, I've begun to collect the parts to make a long stick. I don't play, and never will (I'm too old and too poor), but I want to learn how to toss with both short and long sticks. I have a short stick, which I purchased whole; but I want to put together the long (defensive) stick, including stringing it, just for fun.

4. I also want to get back into hand-crafts more. I feel better when I engage in some kind of creative work.

5. I thought it was odd that last night five of my must-see television shows came on. I don't really have a whole lot of must-see shows. Even shows that used to be must-see for me have begun to feel old and less enjoyable. I would love to be able to cut my must-sees down to almost nothing. I hear of more and more people cutting the cable completely. That would be a very interesting experiment.

6. Speaking of cutting down on things, yesterday's entry highlighted how I've begun to feel about my use of substances, particularly alcohol and caffeine. I, too, am tired of feeling poisoned. I want to feel better. Cleaner on the inside.

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*I put the term "conservatives" in quotes because the people today calling themselves conservative are not actually conservative. Our country as a whole has been dragged so far rightward, words have lost their original meanings. Today's "middle of the road" folks are actually very conservative, while the "conservatives" are actually reactionary radicals, bent on destroying the country as we know it in order to create some monstrous vision of "purity" from the ashes. There is no longer an effective left in this country, just moderates, conservatives and radicals. Also, we don't really have capitalism in the US any longer, as Smith, et al., understood it. Capitalism is investment in the production of goods and services, and exchanges based on that. We have "financialism": making money from money, all profits based on ethereal instruments, without true goods/services/entities underlying them. Thus, the seeds of our doom.

Notes on Books

Quick reading notes:

I'm nearly ¾ the way through Middlemarch. It's very interesting, although I'm wondering about Woolf's assessment that it is on the the few "adult" novels in the English language. I see the same level of miscommunication, romantic intrigue, personal crises, etc. in Pretty Little Liars, minus the creepiness. Still, a worthwhile read.

I'm tired of classical philosophy, for now, and so I'm shelving Plotinus for the time being. He's kind of tedious anyway. Every time he asserts something about the structure of the cosmos or the nature of God, I want him to prove it, and without using a Ouija Board.

Instead, I need to get into the pile of fiction that has built up on my shelves lately, especially stuff by Dostoyevsky, Tolstoy, Melville, Conrad and Dinesen. On the other hand, I've also been feeling a renewed pull by Existentialist philosophers, and there's plenty of Kierkegaard on my shelf to start with. So we'll see.

But first, to finish Eliot.

Three Books

Sometimes I read one book at a time, and sometimes I read several at once. These days I'm actively in the middle of three books.

I'm reading George Eliot's Middlemarch. Ever since Ta-Nehisi Coates mentioned he was reading this novel as part of his own personal studies of the literary canon, I've been intrigued. Then when I found out that Virginia Woolf considered it one of the few adult novels in the English language, I was even more intrigued. The fact is, until now I've never enjoyed Eliot that much, and I think that I've never really been mature enough to read her for her art.

I'm also reading Thomas Vennum's American Indian Lacrosse: Little Brother of War. This is the second book by Vennum I've read. In addition to being a thoroughgoing researcher, he writes very well. My interest in lacrosse springs not only from the grace and brutality that the game mixes together, but also the history and culture. Lacrosse is the oldest team sport in North America. It's the Creator's game.

Finally, I decided to start reading Plotinus. This is the culmination of my readings in Classical European philosophy. Once I finish Plotinus, there are so many different directions I can go in: Medieval European philosophy; Islamic philosophy; Islamic mysticism; Christian mysticism; Kabbalah; even Indian philosophy. I haven't decided yet which comes after Plotinus. Rest assured I have a ton of books in all those categories.

Three Quick Notes

• Sunday I went running for the first time in years. I did a simple walk-run workout, i.e., I walked for 2 minutes, then ran for 2 minutes, then back to walking, alternating each for a total of 22 minutes. I covered 1.7 miles (2.7 kilometers). I found out the way I had been taught to run in college was all wrong, and I'm re-learning how to run, so it will be slow going for a while.
  
• I finished Gordon Marino's excellent anthology Basic Writings of Existentialism, and I recommend it. As any really good anthology does, the book has me wanting to read more by some of the authors represented, especially Kierkegaard and Camus. Also, the excerpt from Sartre's essay "Existentialism Is a Humanism" is the best summary of Sartre I've ever read. I wish I read this essay before reading Being and Nothingness.
  
• That being said, I can say affirmatively that I am not an atheist, and am only an agnostic in the strictest, most limited definition of the word, namely, that I don't "know" that God exists. I believe God exists, not out of some logical proof, but because I need to believe God exists. It is a matter of faith, and a matter of acknowledging, like Douglas Coupland's narrator in Life After God that:

  "I need God to help me give, because I no longer seem to be capable of giving; to help me be kind, as I no longer seem capable of kindness; to help me love, as I seem beyond being able to love."

The Best of 2011

I think positive thinking, so long as it is realistic, is a better way. So I want to list the positives of 2011, before I start laying out my plans/dreams for 2012.

• My reading this year was excellent. Not only did I get a lot of good books read in several of my particular interest areas (e.g., indigenous studies, philosophy, history, etc.), but I also finished four books I'd been putting off for years, in some cases more than a decade.
• I asked for, and got a promotion and a raise. This is significant not only for my comfort level as a human being, but in that this was the first time I'd ever asked for a raise.
• I got my lobe holes stretched to 0 gauge. New body modifications are planned.
• I began a workable, effective diet and weight loss program, and lost 18 pounds. I have 30 pounds to go, but I believe I can make it.
• Most important—in my humble opinion—I started dating again. After living reclusively since the destruction of my last relationship, going on some dates with a good person really boosted my confidence; while the dating relationship didn't last to the end of the year, my confidence did.

Favorites of 2011

It's near enough to the end of 2011 that I want to go ahead and do my year-end review of favorites:

Favorite fiction: Annabel, by Kathleen Winter. The story of an intersex child growing up in rural Labrador; Winter explores not just gender, but how being different affects both the individual and the people around her. Annabel is a quietly moving novel of pain and self-discovery.

Favorite non-fiction (philosophy): Phenomenology of Perception, by Maurice Merleau-Ponty. This was a philosophy-heavy year for me. Nevertheless, this book (which I've wanted to read for over a decade) stands out as profound, fascinating, revolutionary and necessary.

Favorite non-fiction (history): The Killing of Crazy Horse, by Thomas Powers. Crazy Horse is one of my few heroes; Powers's book is a worthy supplement to the magisterial Crazy Horse: A Life by Kingsley M. Bray. Powers's especially focuses on the last few months leading up to Crazy Horse's murder.

Favorite non-fiction (religion): Why I Am a Five Percenter, by Michael Muhammad Knight. Knight's book is part memoir, part survey of Islamic thought, and part polemic for the validity of the Five Percenter path. It is impossible to summarize, but it is so well thought out and so beautifully written, I recommend it to anyone interested in either Islam or the Five Percenters.

Favorite non-fiction (self-help or other general usefulness): The Paleo Diet, by Loren Cordain, Ph.D. I've gone on and one about this one. If you want to lose weight, I recommend this book (get the 2011 edition).

Favorite album (rock): There Is a Hell, Believe Me I've Seen It. There Is a Heaven, Let's Keep It a Secret., by Bring Me the Horizon. BMTH thrash hard, and write songs that seep into your soul.

Favorite album (country): The Band Perry, by The Band Perry. These siblings are quite talented, play multiple instruments, and write songs that bridge old bluegrass to 21st century sensibilities.

Favorite album (surprise): Dancin' 'Til Sunrise: Round Dance Songs Recorded "Live", Northern Cree and Friends (Vol. 7). One of the negatives of no longer having music stores around is missing out on the joy of randomly finding something on the shelves that you wouldn't begin to think of searching for online. I came across this album at a used CD store, bought it on a whim, and I adore it. There is energy, humor and ebullition on this album. I've used songs from it in my playlists. [Hint: give "C.M.T." or "Da Might As Well" a try.]

Favorite movie (in theaters) [tie]: Hanna, A Very Harold and Kumar 3-D Christmas. Hanna is a thrilling action film with a kick-ass female lead. Harold and Kumar 3 made me laugh like an idiot. 'Nuff said.

Favorite movie (rental): Attack the Block. A British sci-fi film which starts with thugs and ends with heroes, and along the way turns an improbable circumstance into something almost believable. I recommend it for the amazing cast alone, but the story is equally excellent.

A Few More Books I Cannot Live Without

Last month I post a list of essential books from my library [Ten Books I Cannot Live Without (11 November 2011 Edition)]. In the post I mentioned that these lists are constantly being modified. However, without substituting books on the list, I've realized it is nevertheless incomplete. So, to make a "baker's dozen" of books, I would like to add three more essential texts:

• Appiah, Kwame Anthony, The Ethics of Identity, (2007). Appiah is undoubtedly my favorite living philosopher, and this is his best book. His writing is profound, rational, accessible and shot through with wit. Furthermore, the implications of identity are important to me.
• Fisher, Donald M., Lacrosse: A History of the Game, (2002). Starting with the widespread, ritual play of "the Creator's game" among the indigenous peoples of the Eastern Woodlands in North America, Fisher traces the evolution of the game via eastern Canadian and northeastern US sports enthusiasts up to the point of the creation of Major League Lacrosse. Throughout the text he pays attention the the interactions between the indigenous cultures who spawned the game, and the elite scholastic institutions who took it up and modified it, giving each group their due. As sports histories go, this is simply the best I've ever read.
• Weinberg, Bennett Alan and Bealer, Bonnie K., The World of Caffeine: The Science and Culture of the World's Most Popular Drug, (2001). Weinberg and Bealer survey the worldwide influence of caffeine by looking at it's three most popular vehicles of consumption—coffee, tea and chocolate. They especially focus on how these grew in popularity during the age of European exploration. Also, they devote a significant portion of the book on how caffeine works on people, what other products contain it, etc.

The Luminous Quality of Being

At the heart of Maurice Merleau-Ponty's philosophy in Phenomenology of Perception is ambiguity. This ambiguity is the philosophy's strength, rather than a weakness. Because the human being in the world is in the end not completely definable because she is never completely definite. We are situated beings in an ongoing project of co-existence with others within the field of the world. When we realize the unfolding nature of existence, and our implication within it, we no longer see ourselves as either simply "subjects" or "objects"; we are "situated, contingent* beings".

The implications of this are stunning. We are certainly free, but our situatedness implies a responsibility to act in coherent welfare with other human beings and the field of the world. We have a duty to enhance existence not only for ourselves but for all.

Merleau-Ponty's philosophy is both more optimistic than Sartre's and more enchanting. He continually remarks upon the wonder of perceiving the world, the magic of being within it, and the luminous quality of the things in the universe. While I'm glad I read Being and Nothingness first, I'm exceedingly joyful that I did not stop with that book, but pressed on to Phenomenology of Perception.† I'll be reckoning with Merleau-Ponty's philosophy for the rest of my life.

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*The 'contingent' aspect of this philosophy strongly reminds me of the Buddhist principle of paticcasamuppāda, or dependent co-arising.

†I also highly recommend reading Monika M. Langer's book Merleau-Ponty's Phenomenology of Perception: A Guide and Commentary as well. While Phenomenology of Perception is far more accessible than Being and Nothingness, it is still a difficult book, and Langer's guide and commentary is very helpful in clarifying it.

Ten Books I Cannot Live Without (11 November 2011 Edition)

Every so often I practice a fun mental exercise: I list the top ten books I cannot live without. The list changes from time to time, but it gives me a snapshot of my values and interests at the time I compose it. This morning, I made a new list. Here it is:

• Bray, Kingsley M., Crazy Horse: A Life, (2006). Of all the human beings who have lived, Tȟašúŋke Witkó (Crazy Horse) is my #1 hero. He was a leader, but also an outsider; he was extremely generous, but also modest and retiring; and he did his best to serve his people during a time of great change and destruction. I will always study his life.
• Bryant, Edwin F., The Yoga Sūtras of Patañjali: A New Edition, Translation, and Commentary with Insights from the Traditional Commentators, (2003). Patañjali's text has only a little to do with what we think of Yoga in the US (which is specifically the exercises of Hatha Yoga), and a lot to do with the why of Yoga; Bryant's edition includes such an extensive commentary that it includes virtually all traditional schools of Indian philosophy, including Buddhist, Jain and Islamic; the book really serves as a very good survey of Indian philosophy en toto.
• Likosky, Stephan, Coming Out: An Anthology of International Gay and Lesbian Writings, (1992). Likosky's excellent anthology covers the array of lesbian and gay life and issues, and it is in a way a snapshot of the movement at the time; furthermore, Likosky's book is unabashedly left-leaning, which is rare today. Finally, and most importantly, this book is out of print, so if you ever see it on a second-hand bookstore's shelf, buy it!.
• Mair, Victor H. (trans.), Tao Te Ching, (1990). I've had in my possession over time perhaps a dozen translations of Tao Te Ching and it is very difficult to isolate just one I cannot do without. I chose Mair's because it companions well with the Chuang Tzu (see below), and because it is a good, intelligent translation in its own right.
• Mair, Victor H. (trans.), Wandering on the Way: Early Taoist Tales and Parables of Chuang Tzu (1994). I have seen a few translations of Chuang Tzu, but almost always they are of the so called "Inner Chapters", the first seven chapters. Mair's book includes all 33 chapters, which makes it indispensible for studying Taoism.
• Merleau-Ponty, Maurice, Phenomenology of Perception (Colin Smith, trans.) (1996). I'm halfway through this text right now, and I can tell I will be wrestling with it for years. In a nutshell, Merleau-Ponty rectifies the mind-body duality that re-entered Western philosophy with René Descartes, by identifying the body as neither an object nor a subject, but something ambiguous in between. His book brings the wonders of perception of the luminous world back into Western philosophy.
• Montaigne, Michel de, The Complete Works (Donald M. Frame, trans.) (1998). Montaigne's œuvre really was a lifelong examination of the Self, in all it's beauty and failings. He's a humanist's humanist.
• Oates, Whitney J., The Stoic and Epicurean Philosophers: The Complete Extant Writings of Epicurus, Epictetus, Lucretius, Marcus Aurelius (1940). Of all philosophical systems, Taoism, Existentialism and Stoicism are the ones I find most useful for daily living. In addition to admiring Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius, I've recently begun to be intrigued by the Epicureans, whose philosophy is deeper than most people have been led to believe.
• RE/Search Publications, RE/Search #12: Modern Primitives (1989). This was the book that brought to light the world of tattooing, piercing and scarification. It is filled with interviews of people who have chosen to get tattoos, piercings and ritual scarring, and introduced the world to the philosophy and psychology behind these choices.
• Sartre, Jean-Paul, Being and Nothingness (Hazel E. Barnes, trans.) (1984). This is the primary text of Existentialism, and another book I will be wrestling with for the rest of my life. After thickly laying a foundation of his understanding of reality, Sartre hints at the possibilities of an extensive, comprehensive and useful ethos for living in the world.

Thanks for indulging me in the publication of this list. Very likely it will change some more in six months time.